~ I Had a Dream ~

Misty, originally uploaded by stitch witch.

Many years ago, horses were my life.

I had a dream last night. I was in a field. My Man and Our Boy as a young child, were with me. 

The field had a big open view of the sky which was filled with skeins of  Canada geese and what, I at first thought were white geese, but on looking more closely, saw were white flying horses.

They had no wings, and each one had on identical blankets...white and blue~grey pattern, secured at the chest.

I was gazing upwards, eyes filled with tears at the wonder of it, when one of the horses came down to land close to us. 

Standing still, with white mane ruffling gently in the breeze, its neck arched proudly, it looked deeply into my eyes, into my soul, for the longest minutes, before spinning away into a gallop, taking to the air and rejoining the miracle.

I awoke.

I wrote.....

I have been feeling lost in recent weeks...heck, for a lot longer than that. 

The peripherals of my life ~ the everyday, continue in the same rhythm, the same routine. The constants are unchanged ~ my love for My Man and Our Boy and Tilly~Dog, the constant wonder and delight at Nature and feeling blessed for all of them. 

But me, my core, my centre, is tilted, off balance, wobbling, and I feel lost to myself.

I was so sure of my path once I'd left nine years of abusive marriage. I could see clearly ~ massage, going on to aromatherapy, going on to obtain the sciences needed for herbalism...but the herbalism did not happen....because of money....and in part, because of what I saw as greed* on the part of the college. It hurt, badly, and threw me off kilter.

Looking back, I cannot believe I did not fight....and I think it is that that has made me lose my centre, made me lose any belief or confidence in myself. I did not fight. Instead I went on the rebound and did cranial (craniosacral therapy). I love cranial, it is an incredible therapy, but herbalism ~ fully qualified, medical herbalism is where I was at.

This was 14 years ago. I have worked as a therapist for all that time and for some years before, but the flow, where I knew I was doing right because the Universe was putting everything I needed in my path in the most incredible ways, that flow, stopped and I have been treading water, sometimes going under, ever since...until I come to now and finally take a good look at all this, acknowledging it for the first time. I have always prided myself on my honesty...especially to myself about myself....but this one I've been hiding from because being disappointed in yourself is a killer, a killer of spirit, of hope, and of the flow.

To go on from here I need to forgive myself and I'm finding that hard to do.

I can't say I've wasted 14 years because I used that time to be 100% present as a parent, which I wouldn't have been able to do had I continued as I wished.

Now, Our Boy is only three months away from being 18, an adult. My parenting is no longer needed in the way it was. I am changing at the same time as him...menopause in full flow....or rather not flowing at all!

I need to find a way to forgive myself, to find acceptance, let it go and so find my way back to me.

I was wondering why, for the past month doing Sun, Moon and Stars, I have been very busy ~ not stitching ~ the opposite in fact....de-constructing clothing.....and a lot of preparation ~ washing pieces of material to control the fraying, cutting out moons and suns, trying, and so far, failing, with bleach experiments...

I have found much joy in revealing the richer colours exposed as seams are cut open. I have sat, tailor fashion, for many evenings, finding myself humming as my scissors snip at stitches that were sewn in India....shisha mirrors reflecting myself back to me. I started feeling worried that I wasn't getting anything done, but came to realise, that I am doing exactly what I need to do, and when I have finished unravelling years of fear of 'doing it wrong', I will start to stitch, and in the stitching ~ piece myself back together.

I recently told Jude that tuning in to her daily lessons is like having a gift to open every day. It is also a therapy.

Yesterday was a magical day. I worked in my studio with beautiful pieces of wood and Welsh quartz crystals. One was a short staff, the other a talking~stick I am making. Why I need a talking~stick I have no idea, for I am not involved in any groups and in 'real' life I am almost reclusive, but I felt compelled to make it...

I don't know why I say studio either, because again in 'real' life I call it my shed. Of course it is a studio, but I'm much more of a shed kind of girl.

Those last two paragraphs are quite unrelated to the rest of this post, except it is what is going on with me at the moment, and, while I was sitting in the doorway of my shed, in the sun, a Wren came to the apple tree that is only four steps away (I measured it this time, after she had gone). She is a Capricorn bird....like me and I love her so. She is way too fast for me to get a photo of her....but I will continue to try.....one day...

*As I had not done sciences in school, the college required that I take a course they recommended in London:- 'Preparation for Alternative Medicine' for people who wanted to study herbalism or osteopathy. We sold or gave away most of our stuff and bought a camper van which we lived in for the next 18 months. I took the course and was really pleased with myself when I passed them all with flying colours. The greed comes in from the college, when they wrote to me after receiving my results saying that on review they thought I ought to do the five year course with them...(an extra £4,000 for them)....and not the four year. That extra first year covered everything I had just done at their behest in London.

~ Sun Moon Stars and the Sea ~

I have been feeling rather mute recently. I don't know why, and just have to accept that sometimes this is how it is with me. The moon was full yesterday and today I  feel inspired to write a new post. Maybe her waxing pregnancy influenced my mood to be a time of quiet reflection, and now her slow waning has given birth to a creative flow. I hope so.

I'm house~sitting in one of my favourite places for a few days. This little video...my very first one :~) ....is the view I see as I sit here writing.  

I filmed a little more this morning. I couldn't resist that blue.

Life is good

Soon after we arrived, my Man spotted something other than seagulls flying low over the water ~ frequently diving in with a splash. He excitedly identified them as Gannets. I had never seen them before and was enthralled by their size, the black tipped wings and pale yellow heads, not to mention their grace in the air. We were entertained for an hour as three of them did some serious hunting for their dinner. 

At the beginning of this month I signed up for Jude's next mini whispering class in the series, Whispering Sun Moon and Stars. Her classes are relaxed, extremely informative, inspiring and encouraging and seeing the results of her students' work is testament to her teaching skills. 

I have done some preparation for the class....

....using cyanotype sun~developing on white silk to create moons, or maybe suns. The blue velvet is a piece from a table runner I've had for years and has faded to a gorgeous golden colour in some places. I was sitting in my studio tidying up its frayed edges after washing, when I noticed the similarities in its colour...including the shots of gold....to the piece of labradorite that shares my deskspace.

On Monday, I found lots of lovely cotton tops in a charity shop. It's not that often that the really good quality materials turn up, so I bought quite a few....including a couple of white fine lawn blouses.

My stitching has taken second place to gardening in the last few weeks, as I've been transplanting cucumbers, courgettes and basils into bigger pots, preparing beds and planting lettuce, runner beans and peas. Cleaning and clearing the greenhouse and planting some more lettuce and a tomato plant, and preparing for the cucumbers for when they are big enough. 

When I was weeding one of the beds, I came across a gardener's friend tucked into the corner...

Mr Toad. I was very happy to see him, and asked him to please keep the slugs under control as I hate to use slug pellets. So far, lettuce and salad~mix leaves have not been attacked....but I also left a load of borage plants that had self~seeded in there, as slugs adore their leaves, and there have been a few nibbles taken out of them, so maybe this will turn out to be a successful experiment in slug control. That would be very satisfying.

As this is a post on Sun Moon Stars and Sea.....here's one of the results of Solar Imaging from My Man...

....complete with a couple of sun~spots. This was taken from our garden. It is incredibly exciting to be able to look at the sun. This image has to cover the 'stars' part too! So far, May has been a most astronomical month.....fitting really as Taurus is one of my favourite constellations...along with Cassiopeia....time to do some join~the~dot stitching I think.

~ April Crescent Moon ~

My Man and I went down to Newgale.

The moon was brightly crescent

in the wake of a rosy sunset.

I raced up the stones

to see the beach.

There wasn't one.

The tide was swollen and full.

The sea, wild ~ powerful,

with waves furiously chasing each other,

the hunter catching the hunted

with a resounding crash

against the pebbles,

before dragging it helplessly back,

stealing its breath

with a whoosh,

then doing it all again,

over and over

in the rhythm of

deepest time.

With energy high,

I danced weightlessly

over sliding stones

and gathered gifts left from a previous tide,

a higher one,

a Super Perigee Moon tide.

Driftwood and heart~stones filled

arms and pockets

until the dusk turned to night

and details crept and seeped

into one another,

hiding until the dawn.

Other gifts were waiting,

and we watched as

Orion, Taurus,

Cassiopeia (my favourite),

and The Plough

slowly switched on their distant

time~travelled light.

6th April, 2011