Tuesday, 31 May 2011

~ I Had a Dream ~

Misty, originally uploaded by stitch witch.
Many years ago, horses were my life.

I had a dream last night. I was in a field. My Man and Our Boy as a young child, were with me. 
The field had a big open view of the sky which was filled with skeins of  Canada geese and what, I at first thought were white geese, but on looking more closely, saw were white flying horses.
They had no wings, and each one had on identical blankets...white and blue~grey pattern, secured at the chest.
I was gazing upwards, eyes filled with tears at the wonder of it, when one of the horses came down to land close to us. 
Standing still, with white mane ruffling gently in the breeze, its neck arched proudly, it looked deeply into my eyes, into my soul, for the longest minutes, before spinning away into a gallop, taking to the air and rejoining the miracle.
I awoke.
I wrote.....

I have been feeling lost in recent weeks...heck, for a lot longer than that. 
The peripherals of my life ~ the everyday, continue in the same rhythm, the same routine. The constants are unchanged ~ my love for My Man and Our Boy and Tilly~Dog, the constant wonder and delight at Nature and feeling blessed for all of them. 
But me, my core, my centre, is tilted, off balance, wobbling, and I feel lost to myself.
I was so sure of my path once I'd left nine years of abusive marriage. I could see clearly ~ massage, going on to aromatherapy, going on to obtain the sciences needed for herbalism...but the herbalism did not happen....because of money....and in part, because of what I saw as greed* on the part of the college. It hurt, badly, and threw me off kilter.

Looking back, I cannot believe I did not fight....and I think it is that that has made me lose my centre, made me lose any belief or confidence in myself. I did not fight. Instead I went on the rebound and did cranial (craniosacral therapy). I love cranial, it is an incredible therapy, but herbalism ~ fully qualified, medical herbalism is where I was at.

This was 14 years ago. I have worked as a therapist for all that time and for some years before, but the flow, where I knew I was doing right because the Universe was putting everything I needed in my path in the most incredible ways, that flow, stopped and I have been treading water, sometimes going under, ever since...until I come to now and finally take a good look at all this, acknowledging it for the first time. I have always prided myself on my honesty...especially to myself about myself....but this one I've been hiding from because being disappointed in yourself is a killer, a killer of spirit, of hope, and of the flow.

To go on from here I need to forgive myself and I'm finding that hard to do.

I can't say I've wasted 14 years because I used that time to be 100% present as a parent, which I wouldn't have been able to do had I continued as I wished.

Now, Our Boy is only three months away from being 18, an adult. My parenting is no longer needed in the way it was. I am changing at the same time as him...menopause in full flow....or rather not flowing at all!

I need to find a way to forgive myself, to find acceptance, let it go and so find my way back to me.

I was wondering why, for the past month doing Sun, Moon and Stars, I have been very busy ~ not stitching ~ the opposite in fact....de-constructing clothing.....and a lot of preparation ~ washing pieces of material to control the fraying, cutting out moons and suns, trying, and so far, failing, with bleach experiments...
I have found much joy in revealing the richer colours exposed as seams are cut open. I have sat, tailor fashion, for many evenings, finding myself humming as my scissors snip at stitches that were sewn in India....shisha mirrors reflecting myself back to me. I started feeling worried that I wasn't getting anything done, but came to realise, that I am doing exactly what I need to do, and when I have finished unravelling years of fear of 'doing it wrong', I will start to stitch, and in the stitching ~ piece myself back together.

I recently told Jude that tuning in to her daily lessons is like having a gift to open every day. It is also a therapy.

Yesterday was a magical day. I worked in my studio with beautiful pieces of wood and Welsh quartz crystals. One was a short staff, the other a talking~stick I am making. Why I need a talking~stick I have no idea, for I am not involved in any groups and in 'real' life I am almost reclusive, but I felt compelled to make it...

I don't know why I say studio either, because again in 'real' life I call it my shed. Of course it is a studio, but I'm much more of a shed kind of girl.

Those last two paragraphs are quite unrelated to the rest of this post, except it is what is going on with me at the moment, and, while I was sitting in the doorway of my shed, in the sun, a Wren came to the apple tree that is only four steps away (I measured it this time, after she had gone). She is a Capricorn bird....like me and I love her so. She is way too fast for me to get a photo of her....but I will continue to try.....one day...

*As I had not done sciences in school, the college required that I take a course they recommended in London:- 'Preparation for Alternative Medicine' for people who wanted to study herbalism or osteopathy. We sold or gave away most of our stuff and bought a camper van which we lived in for the next 18 months. I took the course and was really pleased with myself when I passed them all with flying colours. The greed comes in from the college, when they wrote to me after receiving my results saying that on review they thought I ought to do the five year course with them...(an extra £4,000 for them)....and not the four year. That extra first year covered everything I had just done at their behest in London.


  1. Thanks for the depth... a hard one...I am ever so disenchanted with higher education, I feel like an oddball in the mix when I go to work, its just not about teaching anymore.... I love your acceptance of the work you are doing - unraveling and mending, it seems.

  2. Oh Helen, you sound so much like me... about how life moves along.. and things that seem to get in the way have their bright side too.. it is a mystery...and how the education system has turned into an industry about greed instead of teaching and learning and sharing ideas... the whole so-called education system disappoints me so much.... my youngest son, who is graduating from school this year does not want to continue onto the university/college system and go into debt and waste all those years and money but learn and experiment on his own and have original ideas...
    I also know what you mean about feeling strange about calling your workspace a studio.. It took me forever to say the word.. It felt too special.. How dare I think of myself in such a lofty manner... It took me forever cause I had a hard job to admit I was an artist.. I thought that was far to worldly for me to think of myself in that way. But after many years and gaining more confidence in myself, I can now.. I think it is maybe my age now.. and I feel legit now... Funny how life evolves..
    Thank for visiting my post about getting the signs on the Gallery ... Wish you could visit!!
    Take care... You are a very special person!

  3. Thank you Valerianna. Yes, education is surely a disappointment these days....but, from what I have learned about you on your blog....I think many many of your students will consider themselves lucky to have you...the oddball in the mix. You, and others like you, are so needed otherwise what would we have....total homogenisation...bah. Blessed be.

    Hi Gwen....I think your son is very wise to make this choice. It's great that he is confident enough to make it....having supportive, encouraging parents helps too :~) Wish him all the best from me please...and tell him I take my hat(s) off to him.

    I couldn't believe it when I read that ~you~ felt that way about calling yourself an artist. Wow. To me, you epitomise that profession. I love all your work. Cariad Mawr.

  4. Do we ever reach a point of complete healing and peace? I too have questions, disappointments and regrets...and sometimes want to keep moving forward and accomplishing when what I need to do it pick at those seams and see what is underneath ~ you put it so well ~

    "Why I need a talking~stick I have no idea, for I am not involved in any groups and in 'real' life I am almost reclusive, but I felt compelled to make it..."

    I think that to honors these compulsions is very important though it can be confusing.

  5. Hi Brooke.....thank you for that last line...yes ~ to honour them even if we don't know why.

    And, I love how you are living your life....with great truth and authenticity.
    Cariad Mawr x

  6. I came to your blog from SEW where I saw your beautiful Blue Velvet piece and then I went down here to this post .. the dream is what caught my attention. I often dream of white animals or creatures, three white wolves, a kiss from a white flower. The last one was about someone dropping a white scorpion in my bag. It had fuzzy white legs, I thought it was beautiful. I am not sure what it means but I often think of grace when I have white in my dream. And you convey many feelings that I am all too familiar with and have written so beautifully but I often feel as though I resist putting it all out there for others to see and read.. I do write personal things but .. still hold back. So I think it's brave to just share it all. So .. I wanted to tell you that. I too love to cut the seems of a pair of denim jeans .. and reveal what inside and I totally relate to the idea of stitching the pieces of your life back together... i've been battling a depression for a good while and I am almost embarrassed to go back and read about my whining laments about my situation instead of doing just what you remind me to do .. forgive myself and accept myself where I'm at and love myself .. and just let go. Nice to read about you .. And love the blue velvet .. and love where you live .. love your shed/studio... nice to meet you!

  7. Hi Tammy. Thank you. I know exactly what you mean about resisting putting it out there, and I took some time and a very deep breath before I made this public. I think I needed to. I had a feeling that if I aired this, it would make it smaller inside me...and it has....it has shifted and released to quite some degree, which feels good :~)

    All the best with your 'letting go', and nice to meet you too :~))

  8. Well Helen that is really nice to know!! and I'm glad to hear that is a shift for you .. maybe it's in the air .. because I've had a shift as well .. change is in the air... its good !! Sweet dreams to you.. of flying white horses .. that to me sounds magical... :)

  9. Hi Tammy....I just realised that I haven't referred to your dreams of white creatures at all. My reaction when I first read about them was a hushed 'Ohhhh wow'...as you said...magical. Wolves are such powerful symbols aren't they, and I loved that you were kissed by a white flower....again 'wow'. I don't know much about dreams' meanings, but if it feels beautiful I think it must be good.
    Changes and shifts in the air...it's good...yes! :~))) Happy dreams filled with "white grace" to you ~

  10. The kissing of the white flower was very magical I was looking in a box where there was a terracotta pot with the white flower and as I was looking down at it it rose up and came to my face and I could feel the petals gently touching my cheeks while it kissed me . .. i remember waking up thinking wow ! Because it felt so wonderfully beautiful .. a dream master told me it was grace. ... and yes wolves are strong symbols .. i have a lot of dreams haha ..so now I will go off to sleep and hopefully have more .. :)

  11. A rich dream life is pretty special. I don't have that many...that I remember...and love it when I do.

    Your white flower dream is quite wonderful ~

  12. I am curious Helen will you pick up and go for herbalist now? Or is that done?

  13. I was thinking of doing it when I am much older ~ just for me and to keep my brain stretched. I might not be able to now though, as in the last couple of weeks many herbs have been banned in the EU....I'm so upset I haven't even been able to say anything about it...and it happened so quickly, no one knows for sure what it means...I've even read that they have criminalised growing your own!!!!!????? HA!

  14. ps thank you for asking Tammy :~)