Many years ago, horses were my life.
I had a dream last night. I was in a field. My Man and Our Boy as a young child, were with me.
The field had a big open view of the sky which was filled with skeins of Canada geese and what, I at first thought were white geese, but on looking more closely, saw were white flying horses.
They had no wings, and each one had on identical blankets...white and blue~grey pattern, secured at the chest.
I was gazing upwards, eyes filled with tears at the wonder of it, when one of the horses came down to land close to us.
Standing still, with white mane ruffling gently in the breeze, its neck arched proudly, it looked deeply into my eyes, into my soul, for the longest minutes, before spinning away into a gallop, taking to the air and rejoining the miracle.
I have been feeling lost in recent weeks...heck, for a lot longer than that.
The peripherals of my life ~ the everyday, continue in the same rhythm, the same routine. The constants are unchanged ~ my love for My Man and Our Boy and Tilly~Dog, the constant wonder and delight at Nature and feeling blessed for all of them.
But me, my core, my centre, is tilted, off balance, wobbling, and I feel lost to myself.
I was so sure of my path once I'd left nine years of abusive marriage. I could see clearly ~ massage, going on to aromatherapy, going on to obtain the sciences needed for herbalism...but the herbalism did not happen....because of money....and in part, because of what I saw as greed* on the part of the college. It hurt, badly, and threw me off kilter.
Looking back, I cannot believe I did not fight....and I think it is that that has made me lose my centre, made me lose any belief or confidence in myself. I did not fight. Instead I went on the rebound and did cranial (craniosacral therapy). I love cranial, it is an incredible therapy, but herbalism ~ fully qualified, medical herbalism is where I was at.
This was 14 years ago. I have worked as a therapist for all that time and for some years before, but the flow, where I knew I was doing right because the Universe was putting everything I needed in my path in the most incredible ways, that flow, stopped and I have been treading water, sometimes going under, ever since...until I come to now and finally take a good look at all this, acknowledging it for the first time. I have always prided myself on my honesty...especially to myself about myself....but this one I've been hiding from because being disappointed in yourself is a killer, a killer of spirit, of hope, and of the flow.
To go on from here I need to forgive myself and I'm finding that hard to do.
I can't say I've wasted 14 years because I used that time to be 100% present as a parent, which I wouldn't have been able to do had I continued as I wished.
Now, Our Boy is only three months away from being 18, an adult. My parenting is no longer needed in the way it was. I am changing at the same time as him...menopause in full flow....or rather not flowing at all!
I need to find a way to forgive myself, to find acceptance, let it go and so find my way back to me.
I was wondering why, for the past month doing Sun, Moon and Stars, I have been very busy ~ not stitching ~ the opposite in fact....de-constructing clothing.....and a lot of preparation ~ washing pieces of material to control the fraying, cutting out moons and suns, trying, and so far, failing, with bleach experiments...
I have found much joy in revealing the richer colours exposed as seams are cut open. I have sat, tailor fashion, for many evenings, finding myself humming as my scissors snip at stitches that were sewn in India....shisha mirrors reflecting myself back to me. I started feeling worried that I wasn't getting anything done, but came to realise, that I am doing exactly what I need to do, and when I have finished unravelling years of fear of 'doing it wrong', I will start to stitch, and in the stitching ~ piece myself back together.
I recently told Jude that tuning in to her daily lessons is like having a gift to open every day. It is also a therapy.
Yesterday was a magical day. I worked in my studio with beautiful pieces of wood and Welsh quartz crystals. One was a short staff, the other a talking~stick I am making. Why I need a talking~stick I have no idea, for I am not involved in any groups and in 'real' life I am almost reclusive, but I felt compelled to make it...
I don't know why I say studio either, because again in 'real' life I call it my shed. Of course it is a studio, but I'm much more of a shed kind of girl.
Those last two paragraphs are quite unrelated to the rest of this post, except it is what is going on with me at the moment, and, while I was sitting in the doorway of my shed, in the sun, a Wren came to the apple tree that is only four steps away (I measured it this time, after she had gone). She is a Capricorn bird....like me and I love her so. She is way too fast for me to get a photo of her....but I will continue to try.....one day...
*As I had not done sciences in school, the college required that I take a course they recommended in London:- 'Preparation for Alternative Medicine' for people who wanted to study herbalism or osteopathy. We sold or gave away most of our stuff and bought a camper van which we lived in for the next 18 months. I took the course and was really pleased with myself when I passed them all with flying colours. The greed comes in from the college, when they wrote to me after receiving my results saying that on review they thought I ought to do the five year course with them...(an extra £4,000 for them)....and not the four year. That extra first year covered everything I had just done at their behest in London.